The unfinished book of ADHD

I woke up tired again this morning, why? Oh yes, that’s it, another 3am bedtime. I wanted to sleep, and I needed to sleep but I also wanted to read and write. Besides, how could I have possibly slept without knowing how paper was invented? Before I even know it I’m up at 2:30am googling the lifespan of an elephant. With my paper still white and untouched, my lid still firmly on pen, I hadn’t written anything. 3 hours wasted and nothing to show for it but a simple yawn. 60-70 years by the way, the elephants. I was falling to sleep when I took a quick glance at the time, 3 hours, and 8 minutes if I fall to sl… What the hell is that mark on my wall and where the fuck is my passport?

Today is the day! I’m going to be productive. I shall make a list. First off, make an eye appointment, Shit, I forgot yesterday’s dental appointment. I wonder why I didn’t set a reminder but remember clicking on the calculator app instead to work out how many hours I had been alive for, obviously. *Add on* – 3 weeks has passed since I wrote this, and I have still not made this optician appointment.

Right, time to get dressed. The easiest part of the day. I know what I am going to wear, the same thing I wore yesterday. The baggy grey t-shirt filled with dopamine. I could dress nice and I probably should dress nice but this top hides my body dysmorphia. The top means I can wear shorts and feel the cool breeze against my thighs, yes, it is winter, but jeans are itchy and tight making me feel enclosed, no way. Why would I wear something else when I have something that makes me feel comfortable?

So, I’m leaving the house now. I’m in the habit of packing my bag before bed so I don’t forget anything. I’m so focused on ensuring I don’t forget the little but important things like keys, phone and purse. I close the door behind me, I’m at the top of the street… ‘My bag, I forgot my bag!’ I run back to the house, search for the keys for 2 minutes because I have no idea what pocket they’re in, I grab my bag and then run to my hopefully delayed train.

I’m on the train and I feel eyes on me to my left. The old lady reading her paper is giving me a stern look. Its not the first time I have seen this look in public which can only mean one thing, I start to slow my hand in embarrassment. I must have been tapping the tip of my pen on the table for a good 3 minutes. I anxiously look around to check if anyone else could be looking, I feel my face both hot and red.                                                                                                      In moments like these you face your worst nightmare in the realisation that you are in fact, annoying. I analyse myself in these situations, I kind of find myself fascinating I suppose. The only reason I zoned out in the first place was because I was too busy wondering how many people travel on the train a day. Even when my mind is completely zoned out into an actual ‘focus’, at peace, my body is always moving in one form or another.

My headphones are on, and I go to pick a song. However, I’m not really picking but selecting… selecting the same song I always listen to. The song I will now restart at least 4 times simply because it makes me feel good, it calms me.

I snapped at my partner this afternoon. Not because he done anything wrong but because I can feel the label in my shorts against my lower back… There’s also a stupid loud advert playing on the tv, I cannot hear my own thoughts. I can smell a weird smell coming from somewhere on the carpet and my son keeps tapping me on my shoulder. There are too many things happening all at once and all I want to concentrate is on where this smell is coming from but then he walks around the corner. ‘Babe, what do you want to eat?’ Man, when I tell you I switched. ‘LEAVE ME ALONE, OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO ANNOYING. CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I AM BUSY?’ (Baring in mind all I’m doing is crawling around on my hands and knees smelling the carpet). I’m screaming as I run upstairs to calm down. An anger outburst that relived me of so much stress but punished everyone around me. My partner walks behind me and cuts the label out of my shorts, starts squeezing both my feet and hands to ease off the energy circling my body, causing me to tic. He then goes downstairs and starts the tea. He is not annoying at all. In fact, I think it may be me that is the annoying one.

I am really beginning to lose focus now in writing this all up. Between each sentence I raise my head, staring straight in front of me, apparently a man is sat there… I’ve made eye contact with this same man at a guess 8 times. I have just realised that the man feels uncomfortable and curious at what I’m looking at. The truth is, I was not looking at him but looking through him, he was not even there. When focused, my eyes are completely glazed over, all I can see are my thoughts. It’s only when my focus dips out that I realise what I have been doing and where I have been looking, again embarrassed.

So, anyway, yesterday I was in mid-conversation with my friend about how much of an arsehole her boyfriend is. There was a light flickering to my right, I could see it in the corner of my eye. ‘What do you think’? she asks me. ‘What? Say the last bit again.’ I reply in hope that if she repeats the last sentence I will understand her last 3 minutes of talking that I did not listen to at all. So, she repeats herself but I was too busy wondering whether she finds me rude for not listening to her in the first place, meaning, I missed what she said again. She stops talking, I panic. I have two options here I can either play dumb and say ‘I don’t understand’ hoping she says it a 3^rd time or I can simple say ‘yeah I know what you mean’ in hope it was not a question and that I follow what she has said. ‘Fucking hell, did you hear about the queen dying?’ Rosie what the actual fuck. Its not until 5 minutes pass and were talking about something completely different that I realise I completely cut her off and didn’t ever respond to her boyfriend chat. So, I try to bring the conversation back to her like ‘so, what are you going to do about him’ in fear that she hates me and in hope she will think ‘oh, she was listening’. She responds and I realise that I just thought about it all a bit too deep before returning back to the conversation about the queen.

Confusing right? Our way of thinking, how we jump from thought to thought but get so easily distracted. Since starting writing about this piece, I have started 3 other topics to write on. 1- pregnancy reality which led me to start another blog on baby blues and a 3^rd was just a stupid story on social media I wrote about my mum asking me to go to the shop for toilet roll but forgetting the toilet roll, twice. Its like everything we do takes 3 times longer than it should because we must force ourselves to gain back focus.

But why, I just want to focus. Why can I not focus? I just want to write so why can’t I just write? Why does my body and brain want to do anything but write? No Rosie do not go to the gym until this is finished and stop jiggling your leg and looking around for food, you’re not hungry you just want to focus on anything but this. Also, are you really going to look at that man one more time? Honestly, I would absolutely write a book on all things ADHD, but I would never finis…