Beyond the surface

‘You should talk about it more, bottling up your emotions will only cause future harm.’

‘I’m fine, honestly.’ 3 words. 3 words that hold such power. Ironically, a power of weakness, sadness and above all, trauma. These 3 words act as a barrier holding up years of experiences and tears we could not shed for we were too busy trying to maintain a sense of normality.

See, when you talk on an issue, people see the surface of the problem. A ‘normal’ mind is incapable of expanding to the depths of knowledge and experience needed to fully understand.

Example – When a person states ‘My parents were alcoholics’, a normal mind will imagine 2 idiots, bottle in hand, maybe violent or maybe merry. For sure, these minds may still display a sense of sympathy when they imagine 2 useless individuals unable to co-parent and fulfil their child’s needs, but only ever to a certain extent. They will not automatically imagine the experiences seen below the surface of alcohol: Sexual exploitation, violence, having to go into school when your parent hasn’t returned home in days. Meaning no food, no gas/electric and no love. Having to face your friends in hope they won’t pick up on the stench of cigarettes that fill your 5 day unwashed school clothing. The imagination does not run wild enough where you can begin to wonder what the child may have seen. Experiences cannot be taught through books, films or word of mouth, only through experience. Therefor, it is easier to use the 3 magic words.

Children who’s parents abuse substances, are beyond clever. They are taught traits from an early age. Traits that normally take years to master – manipulation, lying, people pleasing and acting skills.

At a young age we could only guess what normality was, however we knew what it wasn’t.

Let me first say that my parents are not alcoholics I was merely using that as an example of a surface trauma event. Anyhow, I was 5 when my counselling started. 5 years old being asked to explain my home life and what made me ‘sad’. I was always pushed into talking about my feelings and home circumstances. I was used as a tool to extract information by more than just councillors. I would enter my primary school classroom, awaiting to be called out for interrogation. First, given biscuits, second, the questions.

See, at this age, you can only guess what normality was through your peers and what you watched on TV. Normally, innocent children programmes. We know we’re somehow different to our ‘normal friends’ but we don’t know to what extent. Children are innocent, they are unable to see the bad, unlike adults… They forgive and forget. Their minds can be easily distracted. Children view a situation involving their parents through love. Asking a child what their home life is like will be filled with cover up story’s and lies to protect their parents they so desperately crave attention from.

The surface of the problem will never hold enough power to explain the roots of all pain.

As a child you are offered help by many different services: School, social, grandparents… You do not accept the help, nor do you want the help… You want your parents…

The crazy part? By the time you’re an adult you begin to realise the extent of your childhood and how it is affecting your adult life. You have more time and knowledge to think on your childhood and how they may relate to your current problems. As an adult we have a slightly more negative look on life and what problems can occur because they are so often surrounded by many other life obstacles, the weight gets heavier and heavier until one day, you’re stuck. You now no longer just crave your parents love and attention but their reasons for why? You want help to understand what happened. You suddenly begin to want the counselling and for someone to ask and give answers to what is going on in your mind.  It suddenly became too late and a lot harder to find help than for when you were an innocent child just wanting to protect your parents’ wrong doing’s.

You’re no longer a priority in the world because you have age on your side. Counselling wait lists are long, work is demanding, and your time is now limited. Sympathy is a thing from the past as you are now looked at as a number in a world full of personal issues belonging to all those that breathe.

I suppose what I am trying to say is, no, you shouldn’t bottle up your emotions but it’s a damn lot easier than trying to explain what the hell is going on inside your chaotic mind.

So thankyou for asking but honestly, I’m fine.